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The problem with trying to change your whole personality, is that you have no idea where to start.
You've all heard the advice from peers from time to time "If you don't like something about yourself, change it." Which would be great advice if somebody can offer assistance in how to achieve such a change, whether it be a character flaw, a dangerous or addictive hobby or habit, whatever it may be, figuring out how to actually change something is harder then people realise.
The purpose of writing this blog entry is to try and externalize why I am feeling the way that I am, the hope is I can release some of my frustration instead of keeping it to myself, so my apologies guys, but this will be the self indulgent ramblings of a thirty something loser.
So, how did I get to this position?
Well, it's a fairly simple answer, I did it to myself! Five years ago I had everything I have ever dreamed of, I had a fiance, my first child was about to be born, I was a homeowner and had a career in Hotel management. Sure, they weren't massive dreams but all I ever wanted was to have a loving family, nice car, my own home and a decent job. I pissed it all away, me. Nobody else.
My ex left me after she discovered my financial problems, which all stemmed from my boiler breaking and I wasn't able to afford the plumbers fee. I took a payday loan, which although still a silly thing to do today, it was even worse back then due to the complete lack of any regulations or any credit checks. A £400 loan was enough to set me back £600 the following payday which meant that My mortgage wouldn't be paid and another loan was taken to pay the existing one and so on. This continued for well over a year until eventually my partner found out. She helped me pay them all back over a couple of months and when i was finally free and clear of the loans, she left me and shacked up with another man. We are still really good friends but it was the start of my downfall.
After she left me I was a mess. I started drinking heavily....very heavily. There was one night where she asked me if I could pick up our daughter from her sisters so that she could spend the night at her new guys place, she didn't mean to hurt me, i honestly believe that but she did. I did as I was asked though and I looked after my daughter, got her dressed the next day and took her to her mum, I went home and opened a bottle of vodka and the next time I left the house was at 3am when I DROVE to get fags....something I am ashamed to have done to this very day and something I will never do again, thankfully I barely encountered any cars or people on my trip and nobody was hurt.
The next thing in my personal self destruct mission was to lose my job. My ex and I met at the hotel I worked at, I couldn't walk through the place without memories creeping up on me like little ninjas of pain. So i took a job in a shithole of a pub that specialized in staff turnover and pizzas. For four months I was over worked, under paid and treated like shit. I won't go in to details but i read recently that the owner of that place and had a heart attack and it genuinely made me laugh. After telling the owners to stick their jobs I secured a food and beverage managers job at a hotel and I arrived with fresh enthusiasm to get my career back on track, it lasted about a week due to the owners complete lack of knowledge into how A hotel should be run. I started at the hotel in June and by the time the owner decided to make everyone redundant and close the doors in September, My bar and restaurant was the only department making any money. I worked my ass off, I sacked almost every member of staff for various reasons, I changed suppliers, I changed prices and I even managed to start getting locals to return to the hotel which was nothing short of a miracle after the previous management, I'm proud of what i achieved there, but it wasn't enough and now I was out of work.
So no partner, no job and now I have defaulted on 3 mortgage payments, what the fuck is going on? It was at this point that depression set it, I had no reason to get up, I had no drive, nothing to look forward to it was horrible, but to be honest I was using my downward spiral as an excuse.
I was still drinking too, so much so that on nights i didn't have my daughter I would drink myself into oblivion and on TWO separate occasions I failed to wake up in time to pick her up from nursery, what a selfish fucking prick I was! And i give my Ex all the credit in the world for giving me continued chances and also for giving me some pretty serious dressing downs too. Back then I thought she was being a bitch, but I was wrong, I was a twat and needed telling.
Finally I got a break. After sending out my CV and job applications everywhere I could think of I finally got a Night security job which I have held down for 18 months now, the job is easy enough and i have a 40 hour a week contract and the job is permanent, it isn't glamorous and it doesn't pay well (£7.90 an hour, wow) but it's a job and I am so glad to be employed. I want to say at this point that I promised my ex that I would pay her over the odds for child maintenance on the 1st of every month and to this day I have never missed a payment. not one.
With my mortgage defaults and my lack of ability to pay I had no choice but to sell my flat and move back in with my parents, 31 years old and living at home with the parents again, it feels pretty damn shitty guys I won't lie. My plan was to reset my life, to grow up and take a proper look at myself. So I started picking up extra shifts where I could and now I work across 3 sites, i'm currently on an 8 night stretch. I'm seeing my parents are ok for money as they have this 31 year old child living with them. My ex and I rebuilt our relationship, we really get on. There is nothing romantic about it, but after the issues I caused she cut me down to one night a week with my daughter which after I started to sort myself out has been increased to 3 nights and an afternoon. I also entered a saving scheme at work where I put away £100 a month and in 36 months it all gets paid back to me, which is fantastic for somebody who is as poor with their money as I am. I also don't drink anymore.
So why is it that instead of feeling like I am moving forward I feel like life and love is passing me by?
I'm still really bad with money. Just tonight I was pissing about and ended up spending £12 on a T shirt which doesn't sound a lot but when you are trying to save money so that you can rent a place and be an adult it suddenly seems like a massive amount of money! I lack discipline, but i'm 31 and have another life who depends on me, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I have been Texting a girl that I met at work recently and we seem to get on really well, the thing is, i can't help but feel that she is out of my league...."hi love, how about for our first date we grab a big mac and then go back to my mums and make love in my single bed?" appealing, right?
I know i'm not a bad guy, I like helping people. On fridays I finish work at 7am and pick my 11 month old niece up at 7:30 and look after her for the day while my sister and her husband work, it saves them £50 a week in child care costs and I love doing it because it helps. This morning I found a lost old lady and took her in my car to her church so she didn't have to walk, it gave me a slight buzz being nice. I like to see things from both sides of the coin so I can make informed judgements, i'm told this is rare these days.
I feel almost trapped in a life that was ruined by myself and I have no idea where to turn next. i'm tired, i'm run down and I often wonder if my daughter is better off without me, it's a horrible thought but what sort of example am I actually setting for her? I love her with every single fibre of my being and I want to improve myself for her. But i feel I am blocked at every turn and I know that it is I who is doing the blocking.
Thank you for reading my idiotic ramblings guys, holy shit that was longer then i thought it would be.